If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm at about main and main street
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Randomize
