Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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