pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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