i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I need a burrito and a hug.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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