I like my sex mixed with concussions.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
