I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
