Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
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