all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
