I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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