just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
