I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
