The maid of honor just puked.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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