so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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