Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
