ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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