Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
