I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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