I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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