i think my tv is drunk
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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