dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
