I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
