And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
