I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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