P.S. I can't hear my feet
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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