found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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