lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
