I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
