great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Acid is not a monday night drug
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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