Well douche your snatch and let's go!
she was so not down for the gang bang
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
