Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Randomize