If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
