That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
