Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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