I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
