The maid of honor just puked.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
This house was built for laser tag.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
