Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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