I want you more than these girls want KFC
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
This toilet bowl is my home.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize