You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
