so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
