i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
