if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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