I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my phone needs a breathalizer
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
