cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
