does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
