just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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