he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
