I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
