you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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