she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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