i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
