so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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