He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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