I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Do vagina's smell?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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