I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
