i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
