ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
