why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
